Why You and Your Partner Need a Relationship Contract

Millennials, who are much more open to non-monogamous relationships than previous generations, may find a contract particularly useful to millennials in polyamorous or non-traditional engagements. Always remember that your contract is made up of guidelines. Even if you are prone to human error. They should only follow him to be in a stable position. There may come a day when your agreement no longer serves your relationship, and that`s okay. But as long as you have it, use it. So often, couples have deep conversations that lead to relationship breakthroughs, only to fall back into old patterns of behavior a few days later. Keeping these conversations in a relationship agreement helps us hold ourselves accountable. Personally, it helped me write something in writing to maintain my relationship and stay in love. Love can happen to us, but if we want it to last, we need to be proactive.

But love should be an active choice today – something you grow and build with a partner, rather than something just happening to you. At least that`s what writer Mandy Len Catron discovered when she started researching the subject for her book How To Fall in Love With Anyone. At the same time, as days, weeks and years pass, love changes too. As a result, there are times when it seems that he is no longer alive. In addition, there are crises and with them the question of whether it is really worth moving forward. Relationships are always based on an implicit contract. But is it a good idea to enter into an explicit relationship contract? The one who protects the link from the erosion of these crises? Catron and his partner began a six-month contract inspired by the book The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels, and they now visit him once a year. Taken together, negotiating and finding common ground in the three areas of values, limits and fears helps couples understand how to balance their career and life. The best time for a couple to have these conversations and create their couple contract is now – the sooner the better.

This can be via Skype, rolled up on the sofa or during a long walk in the neighborhood. It doesn`t matter where these conversations take place, and they can (and will) continue. Having clarity on these three areas will make it easier for you to negotiate and overcome the challenges you will inevitably face as a couple and build a life together that works for both of you. “As with everything beautiful in your life, if you want something beautiful to happen, you have to plan for it,” she said. In this regard, we agree with the following: “As things progressed with Jeff, the idea of a relationship agreement slowly found its way back to the forefront of my thoughts and began to seep into it. Maybe it`s because Jeff works on a much more pragmatic, rational, systematic, data- and mind-driven frequency than I do. Or maybe it was the result of my life in San Francisco, where people and ideas tend to be practical and optimized. We will put away our phones for dinner.

It`s so important because when we`re on our phones, we don`t give our full attention to our partners. Dinner should be a time to let yourself know what happened to your day. Just put your phone away. Nothing that happens on social media is more important than the person sitting right next to you. We are planning a regular evening of appointments. It doesn`t have to be an extravagant dinner or a night in the city center. You don`t need to spend any money at all, you just need to spend time together, without distractions. Choose a specific day of the week or maybe the first Friday of each month. Just make a plan and stick to it – no cancellations, no distractions, no excuses. Couple contracts involve in-depth discussions on three areas: values, limits and fears. I highly recommend reviewing and updating your relationship agreement regularly.

I have found that anywhere between 3-12 months is ideal. You don`t want to let it sit for so long that it becomes outdated and forgetful in its insignificance. But you also probably don`t want to see it again so often (i.e. every 1-4 weeks) that it becomes something you follow neurotically and obsesses you. Despite its legal-sounding nickname, a relationship agreement is not a binding agreement. Rather, it`s a tool for couples to express their needs and work together to create the parameters of their own unique relationship roadmap: including everything from health and household chores to sex and intimacy. Despite all the emphasis we place on romantic relationships, they seem to carry a lot of conjecture. At the beginning of the second wave of feminism – in the late 60s and early 70s – two different marriage contracts received national attention. The same idea applies to the great decisions of life. If it helps create a foundation for couples to be more collaborative in their approach to big life decisions, a relationship contract could be healthy, according to studies. A report by the University of Virginia`s National Marriage Project, which examined more than a thousand adults, found that couples who took the time to discuss big decisions together (rather than passing them off somewhat arbitrarily) were happier individually and later as a couple.

(Don`t worry. If you`re not sure where to start your contract, there`s a lot more detail along the way.) A relationship contract is a tool for couples to express their needs and work together to create the parameters of their own unique relationship roadmap. Marie Bertrand/Getty Images Hide the caption I consider the relationship agreement to be a great romantic gesture, no different from what some consider a marriage proposal. This means I care enough about you and our relationship to take the time to talk about it. This means that I do not take you for granted; I recognize you as your own separate being, with your own values, needs, desires, dreams and habits. This means that I respect you and our relationship enough to maintain my own health and hygiene and as much as I can maintain the version of myself that “won” you first. “We`re not just looking for someone to share the burden of paying the bills and raising children,” Catron says, citing researcher Eli Finkel`s book, The All or Nothing Marriage, “but we`re looking for someone who will be a great partner at home, a great sexual partner, someone who is our intellectual peer. someone who will help us become the best version of ourselves. We will have positive physical contact every day that has nothing to do with sex. Positive contact can affect your entire day. Whether it`s just a kiss on the forehead, a warm hug, or hand contact, physical contact gives you peace of mind that you`re still loved and cared for by the other person.

It also provides a sense of comfort and security and tells you that your partner cares about you, not just sex. In an exclusive interview with The List, dr. Tony Ortega, psychologist and author of #AreYouHereYet: How to STFU and Show Up For Yourself, explained that an official agreement is a great way to make sure you and your partner are literally on the same page. “I`m not suggesting anything written and notarized unless you feel called upon to do so,” Ortega explained, “but even an oral relationship agreement can lay the foundation for a healthier relationship.” “Based on the literature and research on relationships, the idea of a contract is not a way to stay in love,” Gottman told Business Insider. “Quite the contrary.” “We both understand the value of a strategic plan very well,” said Sibley, chief marketing officer of a company that makes virtual reality headsets and divides his time between Austin and San Francisco. “A contract is so clear that the way is to optimize happiness and clarity in a relationship.” – We recognize that we do not make ourselves happy, but that we bring our overflowing individual happiness into the relationship to share it with each other We will always say “I love you” before going to work and before going to sleep. What if you saw your partner for the last time? Yes, it`s a bit dark to think about, but it`s true. We are constantly losing people unexpectedly. Never miss an opportunity to tell your N/A that you love it. The treaty should be a living document. This will help to adapt to any form of change, as changes are inevitable.

This is a set of agreed parameters. It is very important to make it official both in flexible and paper versions. Having regular reviews of your relationship contract can always remind you how much you own it and how valuable your relationship is and value each other more. .